From Avoidant To Secure Attachment Style

According to attachment theory, there are 3 main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. We develop attachment styles during our early ages with our primary caregiver.

The good news is, it can be changed over time.

This is a sharing from an avoidant attachment perspective, how she works on becoming a secured person.

An avoidant attachment is

when a person develops avoidance tendency which was shaped during early childhood, especially on emotional intimacy due to emotional neglect by their primary caretaker. The person learned to disregard their own emotions and to self sooth by keeping distance with others.

An Avoidant’s Story

She is good at being alone where she feel safest when there is no connection, and yet she longs for closeness. She does not feel safe to show up in deep emotional ways and stay close with others thus leading to avoid emotional intimacy. Whenever she felt overwhelm due to others’ attempt to get closer or expect her of something, she would repeat the same behaviour, which is to avoid the situations to avoid the emotions of being rejected.

How an avoidant became an avoidant?

Starting from the background, where it begun.

If you are an avoidant, it is important to recognise your attachment pattern and question your stories.

An avoidant’s growing up journey:

Emotional connection were not available when she was young which made her felt unsafe and stressed.

She learned that it was not safe for her to express her needs as she would be shut off every time she tried to express herself.

She then learned that by not being with others and not expressing her needs was the safest.

She expected rejection where her emotional needs were neglected since young.

She used to show up in situation of not being heard and find it hard to tolerate negative situation or feelings of others.

She blends others’ emotions with her own and internalised the pain by not realising that she has been carrying so much pain.

She learned that people are not trustworthy and found it hard to trust others.

She would be triggered when people tend to get closer to her or expect her to do something.

Her defensiveness rise up when people enter her space, rely on her or when conflict arises where she needs to confront others.

She would shut down to feel safe when she was triggered and thus gave mixed messages to others.

She tend to dissociate whenever she is triggered, either numbing or relying on fantasy to meet her emotional needs, which are her coping mechanism.

As she learned to self sooth for her own emotional needs, she don’t rely on others and kept people at a distance.

What can you do as an avoidant?

The good news is you can develop a secure attachment style.

Here are some of the steps you can take:

• Firstly, recognise your avoidant patterns and your distress.
• Name the overwhelming emotions and sensations in the body.
• Recognise and honour your needs and wants.
• Express your needs and wants.
• Practice grounding and breathing.
• Recognise your triggers and coping mechanism.
• Allow others to feel their emotions instead of fixing it.
• Reparent yourself with new healthy habits and behaviour.

A secured attached person’s journey coming from an avoidant attachment:

I learn that fear does not always mean I have to run away.

I recognise that I have been feeling stress and pain in the body.

I learn to separate others’ emotions from my own.

I recognise my emotional needs and feel safe to express them.

It is okay to be rejected as it won’t affect my worth and won’t harm me.

I am good at being alone and I am open to connecting with others too.

I feel safer being with others and recognise the benefits of interaction with others by being vulnerable.

I recognise my triggers and defensiveness and allow myself to feel emotions instead of numbing and distracting myself from pain.

I am connected to my body sensations whenever I feel overwhelm.

I choose to focus on myself instead of others.

I allow others to feel their emotions.

I am open to conflict resolution and feel safe to speak up for myself.

I am feeling more secure and safe bonding with others.

I reparent myself by believing I have value and I am worthy.

I understand my dissociation pattern and behaviour.

I practice grounding and breath work to feel safe in my body.

I feel safe attaching with people and letting go of people when we are not aligned.

I learn to lean on family and friends for support.

I accept and love me for who I am.

People accept and love me for who I am.

The journey ahead

Recognise that self protection is equal to self harm.

A research study shows that the more positively we feel about ourselves, the more likely we are to assume that others like us.

May you continuously be aware and work on your attachment style.

May you approach relationships with openness, confidence, and respect. 

May you learn to feel more secure in relationships.

You matter,

Vic Qi Pan