On Guilt

Guilt is an emotion of feeling remorse.

Which can be helpful but also dangerous if it lingers too long.

Interestingly, as I am reflecting my guilt, little pieces of memories came to mind, mostly related to my close relationships.

The Types of Guilt

Everyone has varies degree of guilt.

Recently, I do experience a natural guilt, for not able to pick up phone call by 4 different parties due to my phone’s sound settings.

I felt guilty for not able to help when my aunt needed my help. Because I did not check my phone.

That is the most recent.

Occasionally, I would feel guilty for cutting que while I was driving or lost my patience talking to mum.

These are the natural guilt.

Then there is an existential or collective guilt where one would feel guilty for the negative news or suffering of others, be it social related or animals related.

The most hardest type of guilt to deal with would be toxic guilt where it is in the subconscious where one would feel ‘wrong’ or flawed in any ways, be it a sin or karma.

When you carry this toxic guilt within you, anything happens externally could trigger your pervasive ‘guilt’, it almost feels like paralyzed in whatever you do in life.

Dealing with guilt.

Be aware of it whenever it arises, try naming it.

Acknowledge it at the moment.

Notice your body language and your muscle tension.

If you have done something wrong, apologise and make amends.

Forgive yourself for making mistakes.

Pay attention to what guilt is telling you about yourself.

Find out how guilt can work for you – as motivation for change or to take action.

Talk to someone you trusted or seek help from professionals.

Guilt-Trip

Guilt-tripping is one causing another to feel guilty so the other would change their behaviour.

Guilt-tripping show up mostly in close relationships in the form of indirect communication styles.

It is said to be a form of gaslighting- a form of psychological manipulation with confusion which lead to self doubt and losing sense of self.

Another topic to discussed further.

Say if you feel guilty for saying no to a person’s request, then this person proceed to make you feel more guilty for saying no, that is guilt-tripping.

When you do not want to make them feel sad or not supported then you are more likely to say or do what you can to help.

How do you know you are experiencing guilt-trip:

You receive passive-aggressive response (indirect aggression) about the situation, including

• Give silent treatment
• Make sarcastic comments
• Pretend ‘I am fine’ but its obviously not
• Make wistful comments “I am not you…”
• Make leading comments “remember when I did this to you?”
• Ghosting

Guilt-tripping won’t work when the other person don’t care how this behaviour affects you.

Guilt is a learned behaviour.

From the caretakers, guardians, and parents.

It is imposed on us since childhood as it is the most convenient form of manipulation.

“If you re guilty, you must what I say”.

Let’s practice healthy communication strategies.

Dealing with guilt-tripping.

If you choose to give in to keep the relationship in ‘peace’, ask yourself..

“is this helpful for both of you in the long run?”

If you choose to call out, you can listen then response with care.

“I understand this is upsetting for you, making me feel guilty won’t change my decision.. “

You can ask questions.

“I hear that you are upset, what is going on? How else can I help?”

Maybe brainstorming to find a win-win solution.

“What about this .., how do you feel about it?”

Guilt Complex

It is a set of belief that you have done something wrong.

When you find yourself guilty, you would feel obliged to do something – to punish yourself or to outright the ‘wrong’, whether you are conscious about it or not.

One who are guilty would almost agree to have the right to be attack as a form of punishment.

Release feelings of guilt.

First, it is better to avoid doing things that would cause you feeling guilty later.

Once you can say to yourself you have not actually done anything wrong, you are less likely to be easily controlled or manipulated.

You can receive punishment for the guilt you felt but as long as you are not stuck and linger in guilty party afterwards.

Stop justifying yourself.

No one has the right to tell you what to do, let go of guilt with the need to justify and give permission to be yourself.

Find your way to abandon excessive guilt.

Thank you for reading.

Hugs,

Vic Qi Pan